I haven’t been running in over a week. Not because I don’t want to; I most certainly do. This isn’t like how I “forget” to floss, or how I put off practicing the piano because it’s absolute torture and oh my god Greensleeves is super hard.
The piano is my nemesis, or one of them, at least. It just sits there, taunting me with its hideous grin, with its 52 white teeth. I counted just to be sure, and also because I thought if I spent that much time counting I might think of a better joke to put here.
Clearly, I did not.
It’s also not because it’s cold outside. I mean, it is a little cold outside, but not as cold as it used to be back in 2010, before global warming. And, even if it was super cold, I’m an absolute beast, by which I mean there are treadmills in my building.
I’m not generally a fan of treadmills, though. Running in one place and ending up exactly where you started is, for some reason, much less satisfying than running in a big circle and ending up exactly where you started.
No, the reason I haven’t run lately is because I have a medical problem.
When I was in my twenties, I just ignored problems. That usually worked, except for the time I had to go for a penis reduction surgery. I definitely needed to see someone about that, although I think the medical records may have been lost.
Now that I’m in my thirties, though, ignoring problems is only acceptable if we’re talking about going to visit Aunt Edna because she has a really weird mole on her face, which is somewhat ironic considering how hard it is to ignore. I mean it’s literally right there; you just keep staring at it because it stares back at you.
It’s impossible to make eye contact with her, which probably works out for the best what with the lazy eye and all. She’s never looking at me, and yet she’s always looking at me. She has a lot in common with the Mona Lisa in that regard. I don’t know how the Mona Lisa can see me all the way from France, but she can.
Leonardo was a genius, and also the best ninja turtle.
I went to see a podiatrist last week, and unfortunately he didn’t get any of my ninja turtle jokes about the Foot Clan. Or he may have just been trying not to pass out after I took off my left shoe and a noxious effluvia of foot odor filled the room. Either way, I made no further jokes about early nineties cartoon shows.
By the way, my embarrassing foot odor wasn’t the problem I went to see him about. I mean, it is sort of a problem, but I’ve got it completely under control, so don’t let that stop you from coming up to me on the street and saying hello, ladies.
Especially if I’m wearing shoes.
Anyway, after explaining the pain I was having in my left foot, the doctor, being a triathlete himself, started asking me questions about the shoes I wear while running. In a moment of hilarious vaudevillian confusion, it took a minute or so for me to convince him that I run barefoot.
Now, I have been party to some uncomfortable silences before. The time I accidentally exposed myself to a strange woman is a good example. Or, perhaps, the time someone farted really loudly during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” moment at a wedding.
There are few silences in the world, though, as uncomfortable as that which ensues after telling a podiatrist that you run without shoes on in Manhattan. He just sort of stared at me for a minute and then shrugged and went on with it. I guess it’s because his practice is in the east village, which is pretty much the Vietnam of foot doctoring.
This guy has seen some shit.
After a couple of foot x-rays, the initial diagnosis seems to be that my huge foot bones are pushing a nerve ending a bit and it got inflamed. I shouldn’t be surprised about having huge bones, and neither should you if you read the “penis reduction” thing above. He prescribed a pretty serious anti-inflammatory and now I think I might be immune to HIV, or at the very least, minor inflammations.
I’m also using a steroid cream, which seems to be helping. I don’t normally like the idea of steroids because I read on the internet that they shrink your man parts, which is sort of a concern for me after that penis reduction surgery that I totally had to have as far as you can prove.