Istanbul (Not Constantinople)

If you’ve ever lost sleep wondering why Constantinople got the works, you can now rest easy: I’ve discovered the answer. My extensive research, which consisted of making stuff up while drinking wine, shows irrefutably that the word ‘Constantinople’ was Byzantine Greek for ‘Place where it doesn’t rain every fucking day;’ the Ottomans, in their [...]

No Sleep ‘Til Istanbul

I had a few options as to how to get to Istanbul from Budapest: a seat on a 24-hr bus, a bed on a 33-hr train, or a two-hour plane ride. After considering these options and allowing myself numerous chuckles related to the 1987 classic Planes, Trains & Automobiles, I opted for the train. [...]

The Balkan Express Part 2

I have done no less than fifteen border crossings in the past nine months. Of those, the first fourteen were a breeze. Landing in Singapore, I got a stamp and was on my way; in Greece, the immigrations officer didn’t even look at me. So why the hell is Serbia, of all [...]

The Balkan Express Part 1

I only had my own cabin from Thessaloniki to the Macedonian border, when the Macedonian Osbournes joined me and rode all the way to Skopje (three hours away). I’m going to assume that the little boy was retarded; I make this assumption because he was chubby, cross-eyed, and spent eighty kilometers licking the window. [...]